My ‘Last Call’ at Bay Area Tiki Bars (For Now…) Part 2-San Francisco (TONGA ROOM, LAST RITES, ZOMBIE VILLAGE)

The second day of our little whirlwind of tiki bar hopping, started off with Eric and I (Erich stayed home) heading to my appointment at Stanford. I should have thought things through better and driven back to the East Bay, parked the car, and had us BART into San Francisco instead of dealing with the nightmare of finding a place to park.

Arriving in San Francisco well before any of the tiki places Eric wanted to hit were open, we decided to spend a few hours in Chinatown, stopping at one of my Chinatown favorites, Li Po, in the process. (It’s NOT a tiki bar, but they do serve up a tasty thing they call a “Chinese Mai Tai”.)

Following our excursion into Chinatown, I had to find another place to park (The place we had found originally was closing for the day. UGH!). I eventually found a place quite a distance from our first destination for the evening. That was no problem. I’d just used my Lyft app to get us there.

TONGA ROOM:

The Lyft driver got us to the Fairmont Hotel, which is home to the Tonga Room–the queen of the Bay Area tiki bars–and the place Eric most wanted to visit. Or, I should say, the driver got us opposite the entrance to the Tonga Room, across the street. So, Eric–who is recovering from a stroke he had a few years ago and I, with my neuro-muscular issues and cane–had to quickly hobble across California Street and avoid being hit. Swell.

Oh well. We got there okay—and Eric was just beside himself with delight at getting to visit this legendary tiki palace.

And palace it almost literally is. In 1929, the Fairmont Hotel had added a 75-foot indoor swimming pool in one of the lower levels of the hotel. In 1945, the hotel hired Mel Melvin, a Hollywood set designer, to create the ultimate tiki-themed restaurant. Using the existing pool as a lagoon, he built the restaurant and bar surrounding it. The results were stunning.

One of the cooler things about Tonga Room is that every 20 minutes or so there is a “rain storm”. Rain (aka water draining from overhead pipes) comes pouring down around the perimeter of the lagoon. There are lightning flashes and thunder, although in recent years the formerly dimly lit Tonga Room has upped the lights, so the lightning is hardly noticeable any more. It’s still an incredible gimmick.

“Tonga Room is a landmark,” Eric said. “It’s like a little piece of Disneyland that broke off and floated up north. The detail and workmanship is the same level of the original Disney park. But the menu needs an overhaul.”

I completely agree.

Tonga Room is classy and overpriced—because it is in the Fairmont Hotel, after all. But the reason, I think, it has been so long between visits to Tonga Room for me is the lame-o-rama menu. The food choices were few, uninspired, expensive and overly salty.

Eric had the Ahi Tuna Poke Tostada from the appetizer menu (as it was all that appealed to him). I opted for this beef and broccoli thing that was supposed to be served family style, but Eric didn’t want any.

The menu was limited (even more so than I remembered. Did they scale it back further?)…and they wasted it on concoctions like $19 House-Made Spam. Really? Who eats that?

“They should expand the menu selection,” Eric agreed.

The cocktail choices were equally as tired.

I opted for the Tonga Kong and Eric had something called an Adult Swim. Mine was sweet. I could taste the coffee liqueur, but it sort overpowered everything else in it.

“The only bad drink (on the trip) was the Adult Swim at the Tonga Room,” Eric later said. “I could not drink it. It was like a lemonade Icee with a dash of vodka. It was overly sweet, not mixed well, and it was weak.”

Disappointing as the dinner and drinks were, it was still great to revisit the Grand Dame of SF Tikidom, if only to gaze on her exceptional beauty. And stock up on her tiki mug merch. (which Eric gleefully did)!

“Bonus!,” he said.

As we were leaving and I was using the Lyft app, I made a shocking discovery. Oh crap! After an afternoon spent in Chinatown and then the visit to Tonga Room –and all of the photos taken at both places–my phone battery was nearly depleted. We still had two tiki stops to make and then a trip back to the car. I hoped my phone would hold out…

LAST RITES:

We arrived at Last Rites not long after opening. We were asked to show our proof of vaccination (as we were all over San Francisco that day) and were sort of harassed about not having reservations (but were allowed in anyway, as there were very few people there that night).

I absentmindedly snapped a shot of one of the giant skulls in the rear of the bar and then took a picture of the menu code…when I remembered my phone’s battery life was slowly in its death throes. EEK! I shut my phone down.

Eric had been snapping pictures the whole time we were tiki hopping–thank goodness. However, unbeknownst to him, he had somehow goofed up his camera’s settings and didn’t figure that out until much later. Most of his photos were blurry and/or unusable. But some I was able to borrow and use to tell the rest of our tale.

When we had been planning the trip up to the Bay Area, Tonga Room had been numero uno on Eric’s “must see” list (for obvious reasons). Last Rites, however, was a very close second. The theme of this bar totally intrigued him.

“It has a well thought-out design, combining tiki with a downed airliner that’s crashed into an exotic place,” he said. The large skulls on the rear wall, wrecked plane fuselage doubling as a bar, and the jungle-like foliage all add to the bar’s story. “It’s a unique concept that no other bar has.”

Our waiter was curious. He seemed overly cocky and sure of himself–kind of snobby. I don’t know if he was serious or if he was just messing with us–but I’d tend to believe the former. But that didn’t stop us from enjoying ourselves.

“The drinks were excellent,” Eric said. “I had some type of green, melon-flavored cocktail.” (The Blue By Yee)

We drank our drinks, but only had one each. The evening was wearing on and we still had one more place to hit. Eric was fine with the one-and-done quick visit to Last Rites, though.

“I don’t know what it was, but it was missing something (maybe the right music?) and didn’t quite have the vibe,” Eric said.

Back outside, Eric tried to get a shot of the bar’s sign. He inadvertently caught me frantically trying to get a Lyft driver while my battery dipped further and further into the red. I was really freaked. After our ride to the next bar, we’d still have to get back to the car. How could we do that without juice in my phone? I was very worried out about it all.

ZOMBIE VILLAGE:

We made it to Zombie Village. As soon as I walked in and saw what is probably the most incredibly beautiful bar I’ve ever seen–and one of my all-time favorites–without thinking I automatically snapped a photo and… Oh darn it! What was I thinking? Off went the phone. I had to conserve what little battery I had left.

Eric was completely blown away when we walked in to the bar. When we were planning our visit, yes–he wanted to see Tonga Room. Yes–he wanted to go to Last Rites. That was it. I kept nudging him towards picking Zombie Village as well. He seemed so blasé about checking out Zombie Village, even after having read my glowing rave about the place after my first visit. But when he finally saw it with his own eyeballs–yowza! He was utterly under its spell.

“Once inside, it takes a while to take it all in,” Eric said. “It was so well thought out, with lots of attention to detail. It is a place all it’s own, not like any other place I’ve been too.”

Again we were carded (NOT), er, I mean, asked for our proof of vaccination. Again we were asked if we had a reservation. We didn’t, but instead of being made to feel like gate-crashing trash as we had been at Last Rites, we were warmly welcomed and seated in a private hut-like booth.

Our waitress (I never did get her name) was sweet and simply wonderful. I think Eric developed a bit of a crush on her.

“The waitress was in love with me at first sight,” Eric said. “She asked Shawn why I wasn’t married! I felt smitten too and soon we married…”

Uh…right. NOT! (I hoped Eric wasn’t having another stroke…)

After ordering drinks (I think Eric ordered a Nui Nui. I had asked for a Disco Banana.), he went off to explore the wondrous world of Zombie Village.

After slurping down our cocktails, Eric certainly was in no hurry to leave this enchanting bar. Round two was called for. I believe he ordered a Painkiller, whereas I had a Coco Pandan–something I had tried on my very first visit. It features a homemade coconut popsicle that, as it melts into your drink, adds to the flavor. It was oh-my-god wonderful–far better than I remembered.

As our cocktail sipping was coming to an end, our charming hostess returned to see how we were doing. Erich asked about tiki mugs for sale. Of course they had some. There were two generic ones without anything identifying them as being from Zombie Village — and they still had a few copies of their first anniversary mug left (which was rather pricey). Eric bought one of each–and he also bought me one. (I opted for the squatting tiki as seen on either side of the taller mug. Thank you, Eric.)

With the purchase of mugs, cocktails come with them…so we each had another drink. By then, I don’t recall what we ordered. But Eric did get his anniversary mug as well. (See below.) I was very pleased to see that our experience was more or less back on par with the sensational time I had visited the very first time, and had improved incredibly after my last lackluster experience.

When we walked out of Zombie Village, I went back into panic mode. Would my phone have enough juice to turn back on, and if it did, would it stay on until another Lyft came for us? Eric didn’t understand. Even though it is 2021, he had only just gotten his first cell phone (Really!) and he didn’t know how to use it. “Couldn’t we just use someone else’s phone to get a Lyft?”, he asked It doesn’t work that way. It had to be my phone…

My phone powered on and I got to the Lyft app. Mercifully, when I started the request and had to put in the destination, the address where we’d left the car popped up. I requested the Lyft and waited… and waited…and waited… Any second the phone would die and then what would happen to us?

The Lyft app scored us a driver and said they were on their way. And then, the phone shut off. It was dead.

I waited anxiously by the curb wondering if the severing of the line when my phone went dead would cancel out the Lyft order. Eric seemed oblivious and was sitting against the building having a smoke.

A car pulled over to the curb and a group of people who had just emerged from the bar piled in. Was that for them or was that our car? That Lyft left. Moments later, another car pulled over. It was out ride.

We were soon back at the car. I was able to charge my phone and get directions for getting back on the 80, so we could head home. Not long after, we were back at Erich’s. It had been quite the evening–and quite the trip. Everything had worked out just fine. And Eric had really enjoyed himself.

“I would love to go to all of those places again,” Eric said. “I won’t forget this special time.”

Thank the tiki gods for that.

(If you missed the first part, you can read it HERE.)